Sunday, November 8, 2015

Words to Express

I'm writing in behalf of my shouting heart.To control ones emotion is really hard specially when my personality is expressive and not a silent type, I want to express what is inside of me to lessen the rise of emotion, to whom there is no one I cant share of. Therefor if writing this will lessen this surge of feelings inside me then so be it. I am sure that it is not any ordinary feelings that i have and I am sure that this is genuine, truly waiting is a hard one but one must endure. its been too long that i want to write down this but I'm lost of words to express what is inside, truly love is so amazing your out of words to express. There is a fine lady to which this rise of emotion and feelings is the very reason im writing. There is something about her that really attracts me and I just dont know what is that. Its hard to be malambing to a person who is very conscious in behavior and changing of voice and used of flattery sets of words.(lambing voice) I just don't know if she is allergic to this romantic words or not accustom to this practices but still i cannot hide the fact that im still attractive to her. I love everything about her but her strong personality stands above all maybe this is due to the environment that i grow up with sorrounded by strong women.

what more that i want is how her mind works, i want to know her ideals, her reasoning about just anything even things that are just plain worthless topics, if i remember it correctly in the past i do research if she has a blog or anything that where she put here thoughts are but i cant find any. I would really like to hear her stories from the beginning to the current time, i want to absorb all of it but she remain a little bit aloof, and im sure she is more conscious on the set of words that im talking here rather than the thoughts that i would like to conceive to portray, or maybe in order to show here appreciation or lambing she do the opposite? or maybe she just like to bara me ( i dont know the words to use basta gusto nya sigurong barahin ako lagi) or maybe she has this sarcastic personality i just don't know. People might have a wrong interpretation about her behavior because maybe the world doesn't accept the way she is, they pattern everything in sweet gestures and melodramatic behavior but i cant help to not care at all.

I love to ask questions but there are times that im all out of questions, i want our talks to be long and productive but the way she is i cant even make halfway my lambing voice and then she cuts me off, i learn to be conscious as well to what i should speak to her but i fail miserably each time, there is an instance that I think i make here turn-off to me, that day im so afraid she didn't even talk to me for a week and and extra days more. but still i love her. I want to understand her, i want to get her support or im just too demanding for which i still don't have the right to demand for anything.

I cant help looking at her but i dont want this feeling to be lessen also. She got hold of the softest part of my heart, I pray for her, here family as well and i do really like her mother she is very opposite of her but it is not the mother that i like but still the daughter. there is no day that she left my thoughts it pops up her facial expression the way she is laughing, when she is serious but im still puzzle on how she do the expressionless face and her gesture on like nang-iirap and deadma lang. Hope she would understand my behavioral predicament this is who i am.

Maybe this is just to much to write for but this is what inside my heart as of the current time, unedited and no sentence structure or the worst thing it cannot even pass to any literature areas but i just don't care this heart of mine is written by a child who doesn't know how to write only knows how to doodle. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

A Really Weird Dream

everything is still visually clear in my mind, for a month now or more i just dream but when i woke up i already forgot what my dream is all about but this time it is different it is still vividly clear in my mind what I saw in my dream but I shall not speak into full details, I shall left behind some scenes that better for me to have knew alone. Each time I go to bed I make sure that I say my prayers, that night I'm sure my last prayer is that Lord if you may so kind if it is your will kindly give me someone who can be my partner for the rest of my life. That night is a very cold night and its around 8 degrees Celsius as i went to bed. I travel in the lightspeed highway of the dream world just like in the movies but i haven't seen any movies in a long time now. This is a really weird dream I dream that I feel in love with someone I knew which  have a model type body she is beautiful non the less but the weird part is that I feel in love with her in which in my dream she is a drug trader, all I knew is that she is not merely a small time dealer but international dealer. One scene is that I see 3 different nationalities sits around the table and they get this electronic device a black rectangular type in which 3 nationalities together with there body guards, 2 person each nationality. They place the device on the table and grab a bag of sample of it, if i am not mistaken a high grade newly develop cocaine, in a matter of instance they start pressing the button on the device like transferring an electronic money from each other and from the device it release a receipt imprinting a code of the transaction. They pass each others coupon and input the code to the black rectangular device, I can see the smirk on there faces meaning that the transfer is successful and out of nowhere they get the bag in which this new cocaine are stored. They get a small amount on it and each one of them started to inhale this drug just like doing a beer cheers. I am there seated looking at them as I look at her with an empty facial expression , I saw as if she is a hollow, then I feel asleep and I woke up suddenly in the same room but I see only the 3 nationals and there bodyguards on a high spirit due to the drug but I feel really weird in my body I feel that someone force me to take the new drug as I gaze upon each person there faces and built changes, I see monsters in them and the background changes to snow as I saw monsters on the snow. I stand and just like a drunk person I tried my hardest to put my self intact and in my mind is to find this girl I search for her and I found my self in this small passage way village and in the corner i see a waiting shed and in front of that I see her house, she is there staring  blankly into the window standing, I approach her and when she look at me she started crying and cursing she said Help me! Help me! Help me to get away from this (im thinking she means by his drug trade)she is pounding my chest as I held her close she is in tears still begging for help, she said I want to be free help me and she is cursing she said help me for fucking sake help me, I have no words of comfort that time but I just held her and kiss her forehead and her lips. and I woke up into the reality with a bewilder mind thinking that's a really weird dream. 

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Ang Pagbagsak

Kwento ng aking dimatapos tapos na pag-ibig (kakarampot at kaperasong bahagi ng langit)
Napagpasyahan kong isulat nalamang ang mga pinagdadaanan ko at patuloy na pinagdadaanan patungkol sa pag-ibig na hindi ko hawak at hindi ko mapigilan. Naniniwala ako na ang pagtatagpong ito ay hindi lamang isang swerte dahil hindi ako naniniwala sa kahit anong swerte ito ay itinakda at kapalaran. Ang makilala siya ay isang kaparaanan ng Maykapal na hindi ninoman maabot at mababatid kong bakit at paano. Ang makilala siya ay tadhana, ang maging kaibigan nya ay ginusto ko ngunit ang pag-usbong ng pag-ibig ay hindi ko hawak.
Sumusulat ako para sa tanging rason na mailathala ang dinadanas sa kasalukuyan. Walang ibang matatakbuhan at mapagsasabihan kundi ang tanging Panginoon lamang. Kaibigan ay wala na ako dahil sila ay nakatira sa makamundong pag-iisip kung gusto kong sabihin sa kanila puro biro, walang tamang maibabahagi at higit sa lahat puro panlalait sa pamamagitan ng pagbibiro. Kung sa kapatid naman sa pananampalataya di ko batid kong ito bay abot o sakop ng kanilang pagkakaintindi. Napakapalad ng mga mananampalatayang nakatagpo na o kahit hindi mananampalataya nakahanap na ng kanilang kapares at higit sa lahat sa kanilang mga kumento sa isa’t-isa na parang wala ng ibang makakapaghiwalay sa kanila. Nakamasid at nasasaksihan ang mga bagay na pilit iniiwasan dahil ang sariling kaligayahan ay ngayong nagdududa kong ito’y makakamtan, sakit ng damdamin ay hindi maiwasan kalakip na siguro sa pagkatao kong puno ng kamalasan. Nagtatanong buhay pa ba kaya ang pusong ito? O durog na durog na sa mga nakalipas na puro pasakit ang dala, dumudulog sa Panginoon na may mabigat na damdamin, puro katanungan ang sinasambit kung bakit? Ngunit katahimikan ang kalakip.
Sumusulat ako sa pusong nagdurugo, sa mata’y wala ng luhang tumutulo, sa salita Niya’y ako’y kumakapit pero bilang isang tao ang kirot ay pilit kakapit. Sumusulat ako sa pagkataong seryoso at ngayon ko nababatid ang ng kukunti kung bakit naninibugho si Lolo Abraham ng sabihin ni Yahweh sa kanya na siya ang magiging ama ng napakaraming anak ngunit sa kapanahunan na iyon ni isa wala siya. Kung ako may nakahanap ng pabor sa paningin ni Yahweh at sinasabi na ito’y sa hinaharap mangyayari hanggang kilan ako magtitiis hanggang kelan ako maghihintay… sa bawat basa ko sa salita nya hindi ko maiwasang hindi magmasid na may pagka-inggit sa mga sinugo nya at kung makapagbiro naman ang mundo ay halos lahat ng makikita o di kaya parang nananadya talagang ikaw ay saktan sa damdamin na halos makikita mo’y quotes of love dito pictures of lovers dito video kili-kilig moments dyan.

Isang bahagi ang nawalay sa akin pero nawa sa habag nya at awa wag nawa Nyang ipahuntulot na pati ang buhay ko’y mawala magpakailanman.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Out of Proportion

When things are on joyful moments with bountiful amount of inspiration things are going down easy. Woke up each day with a new hope to dream-off and smile that’s been in this face ever since everything is going on to the light, but light has been shattered it recoils back to its void space where time stops. Motivation and small amount of hope vanish in thin air. With a weak knees, this self falls down and shed tears to the Almighty Creator, within this lips no others words to speak but a question “Why?” with a pounded heart it beats like nothing before, blood rushing in and out this veins, like a superhighway were cars goes to its speed limits. To be calm is not an option but here with a weak body for 4 days with no food to eat, fasted so that this request may granted but to no avail, failure comes knocking on my front door. My mind stops working, it automatically turn off to stop the damage intake but the heart receive all the reality.

When things all run out, all I have left is words, I have failed to hear my God’s voice, silence echoes in my mind as the hands of darkness reached through me grabs every limbs of my body yet I struggle, I beg to my God to save me from this emotion, save me from destruction. I ask “Am I not enough?, why such fate falls unto me? I ask with full of hope yet failed?” for the first time I felt a phobia on love. I sit, I stand, I kneel and I walk in and out with a heavy burden, the air in my room feels so heavy and filled with questions of regret and frustration, until I’m so weak to continue and lie down the bed, still this tears keeps on flowing down until I fell in deep slumber.


I eat bitterly the next day still picking up the pieces that shattered from unbearable shock with tears falls on my plate. I ate a spoonful of sorrow.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Questions

How can a broken pieces be mended?
how can suffering and pain be ended?
How can past mistakes be amended?
in my thoughts questions are suspended

What shall I speak in my confession?
What should I do to show affection?
What is this fear of rejection?
Uncertainty revolves in motion

Where to ask for guidance?
Where to hold on for assurance?
Where to seek for alligence?
I knock on the door for assistance

When shall an Apol fall on a tree?
When shall the perfect time be?
When will it be into reality?
waiting with hopeful possibility

Why do wall so thick and tall?
Why does past be so hurtful?
Why do I love and still be joyful?
to God I beg to answer my call.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Paghanga

(Original Composition not Edited)
Nakatunganga at nagiisip sa mga bagay bagay na hindi naman maabot. Sa mga nakalipas na may mga hatid na aral mga pasakit na nagmamarka ng sugat ng kahapon. Ako’y kasalukuyang nasa opisina ngunit ang isip ko’y nasa pagmamay-ari ng iba, napupuno ng hiwaga at kagalakan dulo’t ng pag-ibig na hindi maipagsigawan. Sa likod ng aking isipan ay ikaw ay hinahanap, tunay ngang hindi mapipigilan ang puso pag tumibok na ngunit nananaig ang desisyong may mas mahalaga pa kesa sa sariling kagustuhan. Nagtiis at nagpipigil dahil ang lahat ay maykapanahunan, akala ko’y hindi na ako iibig pa ngunit ang akala’y hindi pala, pinilit kong ituon ang aking isipan at pagtingin sa Panginoon at ang hiwaga ng pag-ibig ay aking naintindihan, malayong malayo sa estilo at pagtuturo ng mundo, kaya pala walang nagtatagal sa kapanahunan ngayon dahil mali ang turo at pakikitungo sa taong iniirog. Nagpatuloy akong mag-aral at naliwanagan  sa turo ng Amang nasa langit ay aking naintindihan, ang pag-ibig palay hindi pang-dalawahan lamang kundi pang-tatluhan kasama Siya na may akda ng pag-ibig. Kay sarap isipin ang proseso ng pagmamahal at dapat ngang unahing hanapin ang kapanatagan ng sarili sa Kanya at siya na aking Panginoon ay magbibigay ng kanyang anak na mahalaga sa kanya, isang prinsisa na binago Niya.
Dito ko nalamang isusulat ang mga bagay nanasa aking isipan, sa lugar na ikaw, ako at ang Ama ang may alam. Hindi ko man alam ang iyong nakaraan ngunit, nararamdaman kong ang bigat ng iyong sugat at sa panahon parin ngayon ay di pa tapos ang Panginoon sa pag susulsi sa puso mong may biak. Alam kong nagging malaki ang epekto nito sa pagbabago sa pakikitungo mo sa mga lalaki at hindi ko rin mabatid na may mga Lalaki naming nag-iingat para maitaas ang respeto at hindi maidamay ang mga lalaking tapat, ngunit iba na talaga ngayon, tanging ang Panginoon nalamang ang makakagabay sa taong para sa iyo. Iniisip ko ano man ang dangatan nito ay maykagalakan akong natoto akong magmahal ng hindi inuuna ang sariling kagustuhan kundi ang paglago para sa Ama. Hindi pala sa padalus-dalus na paraan ito nagiging epektibo kundi ang pagbabago muna ng Ama sa isang nilalang na magiging kabagay mo at mag-iingat na maykasamang takot sa Kanya. Napagkakasya ko nalamang ang aking paghanga sa iyo sa aking isipan kasama ng dasal na naway maging karapatdapat para sa iyo. Mahirap itago sa puso ang mga bagay na taon ang pagpipigil.

Sa mga salita ay hindi ka na ata naniniwala sa mga pakikitungo at pagpaparamdam ng ibang kalalakihan makuha lamang ang iyong atensyun. Mahirap man makipagsabayan ngunit nakapako na sa aking isipan na ika’y ligawan. Masaya akong dahan-dahan ng nagiging maliwanag ang nakatago ng lihim at naghihintay nalamang ng tamang nalalapit na mga araw. Isang kang babaeng dapat hangaan sa iyong paninidigan at katayuan lalo na sa espiritwal na aspeto ang pagmamahal mo at pakikitungo sa Ama. Dito ko nalamang sinusulat baka ma overheat ang aking isipan dahil sa pagsusulat nalamang maibsan itong naguumapaw na nararamdaman, pagpasenxahan muna Ate Apol sa iyo ako’y humahanga lamang.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Letter to Miss Janine Tugonon's Ex. Boyfriend

Pare sa Ex ni Miss Tugonon:


Bro alam ko ang sakit na dinadama mo at alam kong lahat ng hindi pinagpala ng aking kagwapohan ay nakikisimpatiya sa iyong dinanas. Ito yung mahirap na katotohanan na lagi nalang tayong underdog, di ko man batid kong ano ang day to day basis ninyo ngunit ako'y naniniwala na pag ang lalaki ay kulang sa kagwapuhan ay bumabawi sa kagandahan ng loob, pagmamahal at pagpapakumbaba dahil alam natin na mahirap ng makahanap ng isang beauty queen na kagaya niya kahit noong nagsisimula palang siya.

Kahit nakatago ka sa lilim ng kanyang likod ngunit ang iyong suporta ay nadadama nya. Mahirap ang nangyayari sa iyo ngayon dahil ang emosyun ay di basta-basta napapawi. Ang di lang matanggap ng halus lahat ng Secret Society of Unwanted Gentlemen but Loyal to You or SS-UGLY ang hindi pag-iisip ng iyong dating kasintahan na maisambit sa harapan ng kamera na ang mga mata ng tao ay nakamasid tungkol sa ibang lalaki. Totoo ngang higit na nakakalamanng ang nilalang niyaon dahil sa estado ng buhay at kasikatan at mas magandang lalaki pa kisa sa atin.

Bilib din ako sa iyo Bro dahil ang pagtatangol mo at hindi pagkawala ng pag-asa sa kanya ay tinatanaw mo lagi at isa kang modelo sa lahat ng lalaking tapat kong umibig. Hindi man naayon sa panahon na sabihin na wag kang mag-alala ngunit hayaan mo nalang na maihatid ko ang pakikiramay. Laging tandaan na hindi bulag ang ating Panginoon... iiyak mo nalang sa Kanya yang dinadama mo.