Paghanga

(Original Composition not Edited)

Nakatunganga at nagiisip sa mga bagay bagay na hindi naman maabot. Sa mga nakalipas na may mga hatid na aral mga pasakit na nagmamarka ng sugat ng kahapon. Ako’y kasalukuyang nasa opisina ngunit ang isip ko’y nasa pagmamay-ari ng iba, napupuno ng hiwaga at kagalakan dulo’t ng pag-ibig na hindi maipagsigawan. Sa likod ng aking isipan ay ikaw ay hinahanap, tunay ngang hindi mapipigilan ang puso pag tumibok na ngunit nananaig ang desisyong may mas mahalaga pa kesa sa sariling kagustuhan. Nagtiis at nagpipigil dahil ang lahat ay maykapanahunan, akala ko’y hindi na ako iibig pa ngunit ang akala’y hindi pala, pinilit kong ituon ang aking isipan at pagtingin sa Panginoon at ang hiwaga ng pag-ibig ay aking naintindihan, malayong malayo sa estilo at pagtuturo ng mundo, kaya pala walang nagtatagal sa kapanahunan ngayon dahil mali ang turo at pakikitungo sa taong iniirog. Nagpatuloy akong mag-aral at naliwanagan  sa turo ng Amang nasa langit ay aking naintindihan, ang pag-ibig palay hindi pang-dalawahan lamang kundi pang-tatluhan kasama Siya na may akda ng pag-ibig. Kay sarap isipin ang proseso ng pagmamahal at dapat ngang unahing hanapin ang kapanatagan ng sarili sa Kanya at siya na aking Panginoon ay magbibigay ng kanyang anak na mahalaga sa kanya, isang prinsisa na binago Niya.

Dito ko nalamang isusulat ang mga bagay nanasa aking isipan, sa lugar na ikaw, ako at ang Ama ang may alam. Hindi ko man alam ang iyong nakaraan ngunit, nararamdaman kong ang bigat ng iyong sugat at sa panahon parin ngayon ay di pa tapos ang Panginoon sa pag susulsi sa puso mong may biak. Alam kong nagging malaki ang epekto nito sa pagbabago sa pakikitungo mo sa mga lalaki at hindi ko rin mabatid na may mga Lalaki naming nag-iingat para maitaas ang respeto at hindi maidamay ang mga lalaking tapat, ngunit iba na talaga ngayon, tanging ang Panginoon nalamang ang makakagabay sa taong para sa iyo. Iniisip ko ano man ang dangatan nito ay maykagalakan akong natoto akong magmahal ng hindi inuuna ang sariling kagustuhan kundi ang paglago para sa Ama. Hindi pala sa padalus-dalus na paraan ito nagiging epektibo kundi ang pagbabago muna ng Ama sa isang nilalang na magiging kabagay mo at mag-iingat na maykasamang takot sa Kanya. Napagkakasya ko nalamang ang aking paghanga sa iyo sa aking isipan kasama ng dasal na naway maging karapatdapat para sa iyo. Mahirap itago sa puso ang mga bagay na taon ang pagpipigil.

Sa mga salita ay hindi ka na ata naniniwala sa mga pakikitungo at pagpaparamdam ng ibang kalalakihan makuha lamang ang iyong atensyun. Mahirap man makipagsabayan ngunit nakapako na sa aking isipan na ika’y ligawan. Masaya akong dahan-dahan ng nagiging maliwanag ang nakatago ng lihim at naghihintay nalamang ng tamang nalalapit na mga araw. Isang kang babaeng dapat hangaan sa iyong paninidigan at katayuan lalo na sa espiritwal na aspeto ang pagmamahal mo at pakikitungo sa Ama. Dito ko nalamang sinusulat baka ma overheat ang aking isipan dahil sa pagsusulat nalamang maibsan itong naguumapaw na nararamdaman, pagpasenxahan muna Ate Apol sa iyo ako’y humahanga lamang.

Letter to Miss Janine Tugonon's Ex. Boyfriend

Pare sa Ex ni Miss Tugonon:

Bro alam ko ang sakit na dinadama mo at alam kong lahat ng hindi pinagpala ng aking kagwapohan ay nakikisimpatiya sa iyong dinanas. Ito yung mahirap na katotohanan na lagi nalang tayong underdog, di ko man batid kong ano ang day to day basis ninyo ngunit ako'y naniniwala na pag ang lalaki ay kulang sa kagwapuhan ay bumabawi sa kagandahan ng loob, pagmamahal at pagpapakumbaba dahil alam natin na mahirap ng makahanap ng isang beauty queen na kagaya niya kahit noong nagsisimula palang siya.

Kahit nakatago ka sa lilim ng kanyang likod ngunit ang iyong suporta ay nadadama nya. Mahirap ang nangyayari sa iyo ngayon dahil ang emosyun ay di basta-basta napapawi. Ang di lang matanggap ng halus lahat ng Secret Society of Unwanted Gentlemen but Loyal to You or SS-UGLY ang hindi pag-iisip ng iyong dating kasintahan na maisambit sa harapan ng kamera na ang mga mata ng tao ay nakamasid tungkol sa ibang lalaki. Totoo ngang higit na nakakalamanng ang nilalang niyaon dahil sa estado ng buhay at kasikatan at mas magandang lalaki pa kisa sa atin.

Bilib din ako sa iyo Bro dahil ang pagtatangol mo at hindi pagkawala ng pag-asa sa kanya ay tinatanaw mo lagi at isa kang modelo sa lahat ng lalaking tapat kong umibig. Hindi man naayon sa panahon na sabihin na wag kang mag-alala ngunit hayaan mo nalang na maihatid ko ang pakikiramay. Laging tandaan na hindi bulag ang ating Panginoon... iiyak mo nalang sa Kanya yang dinadama mo.

Unveiling the Truth

The curtains of reality has been lit open to my sight and behold I see nothing but lies of this world. I came running unto God to save me upon this treachery yet to no avail God said "endure my son to the very end"   [Matthew 24:13]  accepting is easy but to go on process is difficult for talk is cheap and action is priceless. [Ecclesiastes 5:7] Each day is a battle to won for I failed most of the time and all I have is a burden heart, yet I failed to see the barrier of protection that this eyes may not see, this skin may not feel and understanding may not fathom but it is there within my presence for the love of God and its mercy cannot separate me from him [Romans 8:39].It requires more than plain sight to grasp this emotion but it is faith. I am afraid to lose what is rightfully mine for I am not in this place but belongs to the kingdom of my Father, this may be words coming from my thoughts but defying on the basis of action may result to my demise. All I have now is questions of What, Where, When, Why and How? and through each passing day I rely all I have to God yet I still cause him pain, do I deserve such love from Him? this world filled with lies and deceit invokes me to do such acts but I endure yet still fails. Each time I fall His words enlightened me to stand up for it is still not the end and I return to Him with a teary eye asking Why do he loves me this way that I only cause Him pain, I am begging my God to remove this will upon me so I may not cause Him pain anymore, yet God answers with a smile for I failed to see the humbleness I have shown. I see my future in a path of light but on its sides are deadly creatures waiting to devour for me not to continue thy path. The path is narrow, enough to walk forward and lining behind is impossible. I thank Him how he steer the wheel of my life towards Him, how He proves His words are true and promises to its perfect timing. I am doing my best yet my best still not enough for I may not able to produce a single soul unto him for I myself is still on the process of fighting the existing evil upon me for the day will come through God's grace that this will be defeated. I am so weak very weak like an infant that still can't stand on its feet but relying on the hands that carries me loving me faithfully. To be called His son is too much for me to bare but to be his slave is what I deserve.

Surviving Saudi Arabia - Changing Lifestyle

 How many hours, days and months have past that I failed to update this blog? I don’t know! let me do the math first hmmm $#%@#QO*&%Y#@(&% … ok I’m almost 8 months old by now! It takes me almost 3 months to write back again… well those 3 months doesn't put unto shame for I was found in deep trouble and lifted me up and out of nowhere I’m slowly changing my life style. Being a Christian is not only a religion it is a way of a living or a lifestyle, the past 3 months is a drastic rehabilitation for myself to re-evaluate my stature in Christ and I fall ashamed of myself for I was greedy and a prodigal child and yet Jesus waited for me patiently… It all came back to me why I suffer those things in my past and that is to redefine my living today. Im on the process of repentance for asking my heavy load of sins unto the Lord for I was so blind to see that Jesus have been shedding his tears to me for the sins I’m blind to see, but it is so amazing how God patiently work his way unto me, thinking it all back, being so amaze I was lost of words…… for the first time of my 26 years I started reading the bible and I said WOoooOooO what ive been doing for the past 26 years is Rubbish!!!! Good thing I was able to see the light in early age so no more time wasting and I mobilize in doing it right even if its hard… base on my opinion the longer you haven’t meet god the harder you struggle in breaking up things in the earthly desires, I do struggle to remove things that is not pleasing to god and first I offer my smoking habits to god and once I thought that I can’t escape smoking in my entire life yet I ask guidance to the holy spirit to remove it and now im 2 months old smoking free-man!, Remove small things in my life is my step by step process in walking my way to repentance its better this way rather than making big changes and yet still failed in the end. May it be small things or big things one thing is for sure I make my God smile ^_^… now I press the reset button on my life and start a way of living called being a Christian for someday Ill be a saint I may be an infant in faith but its never to late to change a way of living.

Its all about me and God now as my vision unveils the harshness and reality of the world for how the unseen war wages against good and evil and people fails to see their own actions towards each other now I somehow get it why God wept over his people. Im planning, mobilizing and building my faith to God for the race of life starts at the moment I change my lifestyle a lifestyle that most people see as the most boring lifestyle ever and yet make no mistake if you started your way into Christian living you will be able to see the unseen war. I pray to God that I started strong and I hope by the grace of God Ill end it strong also that even death cannot stop me for God Im unstoppable, I barter my life, health, time, treasure, strength and future to God and Im no more the captain of myself. People started to seen my changes and some started to criticize and persecute me even my family due to problems but I cast all my worries to God and He will fight my war and I just need to be still in faith. I don’t mind anymore the persecution of people for when the end of time, they will not be the one to judge me but God, I came out in this world for only God is with me and Ill die with God is also with me.

Giving all you have to God and not worry about the shaking future anymore is like breaking yourself from invisible chains that tied up to this earth, Im started to see the contentment of simple living with God in the center, for what good is it for a man if he gains the whole world and yet loses his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? I decide to study and work for God plans for me and do the things that he wants me to do even though its hard because God said do your best to enter the narrow gate because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it, I hope the people that is dear to me also find it and give in to this earthly pleasure. A Christian life is not just a walk in the park alike but it’s a life time of struggle to fight ones emotion for emotion always collide with the scriptures or the word of God so many will still fall behind due to emotional unpreparedness. That is why Paul said work your way to your own salvation for I said to myself when will I start doing the right thing? When its already too late? I better exchange my remaining life serving God and enjoy loitering around heaven afterwards rather than give in to this pleasure and yet suffers through eternity.

I found my love, happiness and peace in God’s presence hope you’ll find it also as soon as you think you can for we are already at the near end when God will come forth for his people. For I set my focus unto God and everything else is just sand. I may fall down many times during a period of race and those times that I fall is also the times that I pick myself up, clean myself with all the dust that my body gets from falling down and continue running again, During the race there will be a time that my legs will failed me or worst cannot render the action anymore but I still got my arms and hands to crawl just to finish the race of life and win that Life everlasting.

As I recall I still have hmmm I don't need to count it anymore..….. I already have my freedom.

Surviving Saudi Arabia - Contemporary Life

Its been my 5th month in this place and somehow I got the hang of what I was facing with, the image became clear that dust fades away and wallah! all I can see is a dessert! what should you expect? silly me .. tsk tsk tsk ... well anyway I build up my patience and zipper my mouth for any complains on what my brain is shouting with and the result is pretty nice its like a strategy game complaining is a one way step that hinders once capability of seeing outside the box ...deep ha? hehehe well every men nor every woman are bound in each respective life to do something and while doing something a big stage of encounter is complaining oneself ... HA! who em I to speak about it ha tsk tsk tks looks whose talking while a month or two I was complaining about this hardship but make no mistake a man with a standing pride can rule the world hehehe I still will not take back my words of complaining in which it has its useful product ... all im talking about is when a human being have muster the art of complaining then that human is egoistic hehehehe oh oh oh someone got shot in the head ^_^ ... well anyway were just people who commit mistakes but the important thing is to make those mistakes right and simply the equation is that 1 mistake is equivalent to a specific figure of time that the verdict will figure out when to make it right, others take a whole lifetime to figure it out... therefore 1+1 = infinity ...

If life is a game we should play it well and there are two rules 1st is be smart and 2nd is to cheat it .... you should be laughing about it for ahahahaha .... reality bites hard ha! ... each rule has subcategory for example if you are the 1st rule Im sure you have a brain of a rocket scientist that calculated possible resolves of each encounters and if we are the rule number 2 which is cheat about it, one of the subtopic is "cheating is good if you are not caught" and also as I remember my professor said that cheating is an art! ahahaha now i understand why he said that XD ... so that's how each of us build our own contemporary life.. for those people who stands between rule number 1 and rule number 2 they are hybrids ahahaha XD but we all know that jack of all trades means he or she has no primary field of expertise hence many of us are these type a hybrid in which we level faster than the other 2 but when we arrive to a certain level we cant go on anymore for the requirement of each way is either be a rule number 1 or rule number 2.. and we are stuck in a pedestal so I shall not elaborate anymore because you know what I mean, if not go and figure it out a human being has a lifespan of at-least 50 years so do your math.

In this place the words like fun, pleasure and luxury comes with a nasty amount of price and I know for sure that its hard to spend this days and this times are tough that we do some drastic moves to survive that's common thing for us humans. Simply things that we failed to see when we are still in the warmth embrace of our homeland became quite formidable for this things are the only fun that didn't cost as even a 1 halal and that is have a nice conversation with one of our kababayan or sending once greeting along the road or even extending once hand of help to reach.. even a single cup noodles became quite delicious pared with a side dish of good fellow kababayan...

I re-evaluated my self that each respective brain has the power to alter your own decision. Simply before I complain things before my brain electric wave reach into decision stage and before it transfer to my mouth as words Ill create a new division its called department of re-evaluate or we normal people called it thinking twice or trice!.. A man or a woman who came out successfully from a hardship that didn't' bother to complain or just complain a little is a strong welded being that others failed to see.. take on the hardship and challenges minimizing our own complaining and we are bound to see a light... even god didn't complain about how sinner we are...

As I recall I still have 1 year 7 months 26 days 11 hours and 10 minutes left before freedom re-instate within me.

Surviving Saudi Arabia - Shared Happiness

Im already 4 months old at the moment and there are still downward situations in this place well I guess it cant be help at all. Ill try not to complain anymore and just make the best out of the things coming my way for that is how normal people usually do in which I am also. Well this month somehow blew a interesting breeze into my living lifestyle in here so I do have now a living lifestyle ey ^_^ . I've establish a close connection with my 2 Filipino friends who are staying a floor above me and decided to unite our powers to help each other and watch each others back, they decided to include me in there food planning in which we will be eating as one every lunch and dinner for us to save also isn't it nice ey! well who am I to refuse? I really appreciated there efforts to help me also in which I also give them free one-on-one tutorial in doing some 3-Dimensional drawing in Autocad that will help them someday in there future toil or one way or another. 

Eating alone by yourself is not enjoyable as it seems for I only eat less and yet when I am with a companion to eat with I can eat well or maybe due to some interesting talking laughing in which I almost forgot how it feels to have a good laugh with. On the other day Kuya Jo celebrated his B-day and his age is top secret he will carry this secret to his grave hahahaha, we celebrated his birthday by grilling a tilapya and cook other varieties of food. I like Kuya Jo's place its located in the roof top, well that's my dream to live with in a rooftop hehehehe I don't know why but I cant even understand my own-self in which I'm afraid of heights and yet its my dream to leave in a rooftop isn't it weird?.... ok back to the topic, we celebrated kuya Jo's Bday bash! ahahaha with a bursting laughter and I thought that Im the only one in this place that almost forget to have a good and heartily laughter and yet I was wrong as I gazed upon Kuya Jo's laughter and I said within me that Im not alone also ^_^... we talk a lot about there own respective experiences both bad and funny like telling there own tales and the rest is history... this tiny drop of happiness way back in the land of promise is now my big happiness and small things that I never notice its value became the useful things in this place in which happiness itself is limited.

God works in mysterious way sometimes for which one kababayan named Jerson enters our showroom asking for direction for he is looking for a establishment and he sees me. Even if Im new to this place I pretty well knew my surrounding blocks and also I knew where the place he is looking for so as a kind kababayan also I left my work and guide my fellow kababayan even go beyond distance to accompany him. We have a nice conversation and out of nowhere he invited me to attend a christian sevice in there church in which Ive been praying that hopefully I can go to church if there is one in this place and yet wahla! there is one person inviting me to go and I blurted of course!. Im happy that Ive got to hear the message of god once again and with fellow kababayan are with me also. Its really refreshing to see in your point of vision a lot of filipinos gathers together to celebrate god and have a heartily talk with one another. You cant blame me for Ive been living alone. 

After the service I feel light for the first time ever since I start living in this place and said that this place is not so bad after all ^_^ ... Bro. Jerson then tag me along to a Birthday party again in which a mix of feelings I felt, Im happy, nervous, shy and astonished by the sights of other people. I help my self only a piece of dessert due to fact that we already eaten way back in the church after the service. First it was a crowd of families and then a bunch of filipina ladies came in and I don't know maybe the law in this place already gets me that its illegal to look to the face of any woman and my physical reaction direct my vision to look at the floor and not there faces.... it takes me at-least 10 minutes before a hard realization hits me and said what the hell em I looking down this is a rented place and all are Filipinos why em I not looking at there faces so starting there I lavish each of there pretty faces and indulge myself to overwhelming satisfaction of visionary oases that will not occur to me everyday.... all of them are gorgeous I don't know if I lessen my standards but who cares!!! this ladies are worth dying for in this place hahahaha...

As I recall I still have 1 year 8 months 21 days and 13 hours left to my own freedom..

Surviving Saudi Arabia - Limited Rope

                Its been my 3^rd Month now in this place in which I see as a big bowl of sand heated inside an oven and a few more months that climate will change from hot to cold, the good thing is that I haven’t got sick yet nor get a fever out of this harsh condition, I think it’s because of the juices I drank each day, and take note Saudi juices are the best not the same as the ones sold in the Philippines it seems the texture and materials used is way much more different ok enough of the juice thing and also before I forgot even the soap here is different heheheh … where were we? Right the things worth living for hmmm ….. Ive just finish watching the movie fast five in which I really really do envy those cars, the cast, the sittings, the places and the over flowing cash and there’s a quote there stated by one of the cast “we only live once” and it hits me, we do live once got a lot of questions to answers and seeking for pleasures in life and what the hell em I doing in this place? Working more or less 10hours a day 6 days a week and even day off is useless in this place where will you go and enjoy life? I don’t think that the word pleasure exist in this place anyway… if only just only money doesn’t matter I loiter myself in any place I want to and enjoy life and yet reality bites yup it bites so hard that your screaming in pain not physically but emotionally suffocated. God have all the reasons and yet we can’t ask him directly we must find it ourselves and it takes time before we bump are heads up and a lot of daydreaming and self-thinking before we arrive at that stage so what age are we that time? 28? 35? Speaking of living only once ey…

                I over exaggeratedly misses the taste of beer and sitting beside the bar relaxing and enjoying every bottle of it and then walk around and do some sightseeing and the cold gentle breeze of the sea as the sound of waves wash away my uncertainty… my dream in life is to travel a lot more of those great places and yet I don’t have the expenses to do so I need to work my ass off before I achieve such dream so here’s the equation if I work my ass off it takes me 10 years without any vices and just save, so that will make me 36 years old that time! And I’m still single if I do so and if I’m going to marry and indulge in a family manner this traveling will be just a dust in the wind now tell me do we have the enough time to live our dreams? Fuck that living dreams and accept what future holds even if it disappoint us. Selfishness has its limits and I’ve seen where it headed to. I’ve been longing of a heartily laughter and a good conversation in which there are no boundaries of topics to discuss, I may be clamoring all of this details but I can’t help it I want a life full of enjoyments and so as anyone do but we have our own resolves in life in which we are tight-up in this round iron ball attached in one of our feet that moving to our own desires is hard enough to walk to. Complain as many as you can and don’t stop complaining about your own life and feel relieve after that for this dreams will be just a thing in the past and continue living up to the point that were old too old enough to think back do we enjoy life as it were supposed to? And then we lie to our own selves that yes we did.

                They say that life is a long way road but for me life is a long way road while looking down on road looking for any penny that we can find and lucky are those who walks in life in a road full of grasses while those who walks in a hot sand sweating to seek for an oases to rest. My only pleasure in here is to watch movies and web surfing for this small pleasure became big in this place this became my only refuge and gateway to excuse myself in this reality. There are good things also why I’m here as my dream to travel is starting but I never dream to start my travel in this place I want to travel where work and pleasure resides and yet those places exist in a place that is hard to enter. It’s a hard life really hard that I’ve been staring my own ceiling for minutes and became hours I’ve became a lazy monster wew it makes me tired maybe due to this drastic changes in my life from comfort of my own apartment down to this pace. I’ve been seeking a good time in which I have to gate crush upstairs to push myself to talk to my own kababayan good thing they are kind enough to accommodate and indulge to aid to my suffering, Friday is the only day I can do a good talk and share my technical knowledge to a fellow kababayan who eagerly wants to know 3D for others don’t want to teach him so I’ve ask why will you deprive someone who wants to learn? Is that jealousy or pure selfishness? But it has its advantages so in exchange for teaching him we just talk things after like sentiments in life for we already feel the burden of life, Im so afraid that every hours is a ticking time-bomb that will blow anytime and yet I keep on praying to god that he will make me strong, it’s hard to live in this place if you don’t have a hard and strong personality in which I do less and been always kind and just listen I want to exert myself and yet I can’t, no sounds came from my mouth and a void of sound encircle me.

                As I recall 1 year 9 months and 13 hours left for me to be free again.